Well to say the least I still feel stuck, its not a very good feeling. My Grandfathers birthday is comming up, I have a feeeling its going to be VERY hard this year. For some reason I have found myself grieving his loss all over again. Maybe its because I never really grieved his loss when he actually passed. Its very hard for me to celebrate his birthday and not call him and say "Happy Birthday Papa, I miss you". You see my Papa moved to California before he passed. That was VERY hard on me as well. Saying goodbye and watching them leave the house that he had built with his own two hands. The unfortunate part is he wasn't in California long and he had a heartattack. I will never forget the day I got that phone call. My mom flew out there to be with my grandmother. I got woken up by the phone and picked it up and said "hello", my mom was in tears. I immidiatly said "whats wrong Momma??" She proceeded to tell me that my grnadfather was on life support and probably not going to make it. At that time I went into a deep depression. Then on Februaury 10, 2005 I got the call I will never forget. My mom asked if I was sitting down. She also asked if my current girlfriend was there with me. I responded yes to the sitting down. I will never forget hearing these words out of my mothers mouth. "Papa has gone to heaven" she said. At that point I lost it!!! I began crying tears I thought for sure I would drowned in.
  
That was by far the biggest loss I have ever had. I colapsed in my trailer (at the time) and began screaming, "why did you let him go" ? You see it was my moms decision to take him off of life support. I am sure this was an extremely hard decision for her. I got very angry with my mom. Telling her she gave up on him, how could she give up on him?? Maybe he was in there somewhere.

My grandmother has been in the medical field as long as I can remember. She would not have let him go if she wasn't 100% sure. I know this now, but at the time all I could do was blame my mom. I remember asking my mom how and why she could kill my papa. She said "honey I didn't kill papa I just made it so he went to his place in heaven safely." But in my heart and soul I was convinced she had given up. That everyone had given up, what if they had waited one more day?? Would he have woken up???

Still to this day I do not know if he would have woken up. When I ask my grandmother she says "honey you know Papa would not have wanted to live like that, it was his time and one day it will be mine too." She also tole me if he had woken up at that point he would have been a vegetable. No way of speaking or moving or anything like that, my Papa would not have liked that AT ALL!! My grandmother knows how to read brain scans and she made sure they did one on Papa, according to the scan he was brain dead.

I sang a song for him with my little sister at his memorial service, My immortal, by Evanescence. I sang that song with my little sister. I still can't hear that song without crying. Because its exactly how I felt and still feel most of the time. I still to this day do not know how I got through this song at his service. I didn't crack or cry until the song was over. Once it was over my little sister and I grabbed eachother and held eachother and cried. My mom jumped up and started applauding. That led to more applause. It was sweet, my grandmother walked up to me a few moments after the service and she said that was a beautiful song. Thank you for that, he would have loved it. I told her the second I heard it I knew it was for him. 
 There are days when I swear I feel him right next to me. I swear I can hear his voice. I would give anything to hold him one more time to say I love you Papa one more time. To hear him say I love you too, to hear him say he is proud of me.

He was the only positive male figure in my life. He was such an amazing man. So please on October 17 say happy birthday to my Papa. He desreves it, fortunatly he was creamated so I carry his ashes everywhere with me. I just recently went to his grave. Its just a headstone with is name on it. But I hadn't gone in 4 years. I thought it was time. I went and there in my face was my grandfathers name and date of birth and date of death. That hurt BAD!! It was like I was living a dream, a very bad dream. The scarriest part was my grandmothers name was on the headstone as well. She is still alive. That scared the crap out of me. I called my grandmother and asked if she was okay. She said "of course honey why you ask". I said because your name is on Papa's headstone, it scared me I had to call and hear your voice. She said I know honey its hard to think that one day I will be right there next to him. She really has no idea how hard that is going to be on me. I greived and am still grieving my grandfather and its been 5 years. The only thing my grandmother asks of me if and when she does pass on is to take care of my mom. I made her a promise that I would do that.