The Holidays

The holidays are very hard for me each year. Thats probably because I keep feeling like my family isn't a family anymore. Everyone is fighting with everyone, and its just not what it used to be when I was a kid. You would think that as time passes it would just get easier to not see family on the holidays. But it doesn't there is nothing about it that gets easier. My grandmother moved out to California, because of her arthritus. It hurts her too badly to be in NH in the winter. However my mom moved out there as well. So, now I don't really have any family per say here anymore. It's very very sad. I used to wake up on Christmas morning and be so excited to see everyone. Now I don't get to see anyone so I don't have the excitement anymore. Noone tells you when you're a kid to cherish every family moment you may have. So, you don't think to do it. Its when someone that you loved so dearly leaves this earth that you wish you could turn back time and be with them again. Thats how I feel this year. I am not into the Christmas spirit at all. I just don't feel it anymore. Its just another day to me, one that I don't have to work. So, really its just another day off. I know its supposed to mean something, but what?? I just don't know anymore.
I am really glad I have Alyson otherwise I think I would probably just stay at home and cry all day on Christmas. I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I think its a big waste of money to show people you care. Why do they need presents to show them you care? Why is this such a HUGE holiday? I am hoping to find my answers soon. I am hoping the spirit of Christmas will come to me. I just don't know when, or if it will. I don't like Christmas this year. At least last year I got to see my mom and my Grandmother for the holidays. This year I don't even get to do that. Last Christmas may be the last Christmas I got to see my grandmother. She doesn't have a lot of money so its hard for her to come out here. I wish I could fly her out here for her birthday. At least its warm here in July. Then I wouldn't have to worry about her hurting the entire time she is here. Thats not fair to my grandmother. She doesn't deserve that kind of pain. She deserves nothing but happiness. She lost her husband of 45 years, what more can she take? Now she is taking care of my mom, which is crap in my eyes. My mom should be taking care of her. My grandmother shouldn't have to worry if my mom ate today, or if she is going to get out of bed today. I just want my grandmother to have some peace in her life. For once just peace. No bullshit, no winey ass kids, Just peace.
What made it even harder when my Grandmother came here for Christmas last year was that none of her children are getting along anymore. She can't have them all in the same room without a fight or some snide remarks. Couldn't they just have put all the bullshit aside for one friggin day?? For my grandmother?? No, of course not, they have to be jerks to eachother and make my grandmother cry. I will not stand for anyone hurting her ever again. I can't deal with that. Papa's not here to put his foot in people's asses so it looks like its gotta be me. Its sad, but true. All I want is for my grandmother to have all of her kids and grandkids together for one day. Just to see the smile that she so deserves to have on her beautiful face. I love you Mammy!!