Contimplation

Well recently, I have found myself contiplating. Contimplating many things one of which is me not being here anymore. I know its sad, but sometimes you just can't find a reason to go on anymore. When you feel like a burden to everyone in your life, and there doesn't seem to be any happiness in sight you find yourself contiplating. I have been battling myself for the last few weeks; the battle that rages on inside my head isn't right. I know this however I don't know how to stop it. I talk to my future wife and that sometimes helps. But only sometimes, I almost feel myself slipping back into oblivion.
I know if I told her it would hurt her. I don't ever want to hurt her. She is the reason I haven't followed through. Without her I don't know where I would be, I can honestly say I probably wouldn't be here. I don't know, all I know is that if it wasn't for Aly I know for a fact I wouldn't be here. Hope all works out well. Thats all I can hope for at this point!

My immortal

This is the song I sang at my grandfathers memorial service. I sang it with my little sister. Thought you might enjoy it.

Well I have yet to find any answers. I do know that Amanda (Josh's mom) is the sweetest woman I have met in a long time. She is so thoughful. Its amazing how strong she is now a days. She is getting through the holidays missing her baby boy of course, but she makes me smile just about everyday. She honors me in ways I can't explain. I won't even begin to try and explain, it would get way to compicated. She is such an amazing person, she should have never had to deal with the loss of her son due to ignorance and stupidity. Not stupidity on his or her part but stupidity on the part of his peers. The ones that gave him crap at school, the ones who wouldn't let Josh be Josh. I blame them and only them for his tragic death. Its crazy what bullying really can do to a person. It has the ability to take someones life. Someone who is so sweet and nice to everyone around him. He certainly did not deserve to loose his life and Amanda certainly didn't deserve to have to go through life without her son. :(
I try everyday to be a better person. To be more like Amanda. To be thoughful to everyone around me and to always try and do the right thing. I don't know if I succeed but the thought that I have tried certainly helps.

Amanda this message is for you: Your son was the luckiest kid I know. He has such a supporting mom. His memory will stay alive through you and Aly and Evan and I. We promise this world misses him more than you realize. You are a strong person to have triumphed over such adversity. I don't know what I would have done if I were in your shoes. I can tell you that I probably wouldn't have had half the strength you have. You are such an amazing person. Thank you for all that you do to keep Josh's memory alive and also thank you for all that you do for us.

The Holidays

The holidays are very hard for me each year. Thats probably because I keep feeling like my family isn't a family anymore. Everyone is fighting with everyone, and its just not what it used to be when I was a kid. You would think that as time passes it would just get easier to not see family on the holidays. But it doesn't there is nothing about it that gets easier. My grandmother moved out to California, because of her arthritus. It hurts her too badly to be in NH in the winter. However my mom moved out there as well. So, now I don't really have any family per say here anymore. It's very very sad. I used to wake up on Christmas morning and be so excited to see everyone. Now I don't get to see anyone so I don't have the excitement anymore. Noone tells you when you're a kid to cherish every family moment you may have. So, you don't think to do it. Its when someone that you loved so dearly leaves this earth that you wish you could turn back time and be with them again. Thats how I feel this year. I am not into the Christmas spirit at all. I just don't feel it anymore. Its just another day to me, one that I don't have to work. So, really its just another day off. I know its supposed to mean something, but what?? I just don't know anymore.
I am really glad I have Alyson otherwise I think I would probably just stay at home and cry all day on Christmas. I just don't find the joy in it anymore. I think its a big waste of money to show people you care. Why do they need presents to show them you care? Why is this such a HUGE holiday? I am hoping to find my answers soon. I am hoping the spirit of Christmas will come to me. I just don't know when, or if it will. I don't like Christmas this year. At least last year I got to see my mom and my Grandmother for the holidays. This year I don't even get to do that. Last Christmas may be the last Christmas I got to see my grandmother. She doesn't have a lot of money so its hard for her to come out here. I wish I could fly her out here for her birthday. At least its warm here in July. Then I wouldn't have to worry about her hurting the entire time she is here. Thats not fair to my grandmother. She doesn't deserve that kind of pain. She deserves nothing but happiness. She lost her husband of 45 years, what more can she take? Now she is taking care of my mom, which is crap in my eyes. My mom should be taking care of her. My grandmother shouldn't have to worry if my mom ate today, or if she is going to get out of bed today. I just want my grandmother to have some peace in her life. For once just peace. No bullshit, no winey ass kids, Just peace.
What made it even harder when my Grandmother came here for Christmas last year was that none of her children are getting along anymore. She can't have them all in the same room without a fight or some snide remarks. Couldn't they just have put all the bullshit aside for one friggin day?? For my grandmother?? No, of course not, they have to be jerks to eachother and make my grandmother cry. I will not stand for anyone hurting her ever again. I can't deal with that. Papa's not here to put his foot in people's asses so it looks like its gotta be me. Its sad, but true. All I want is for my grandmother to have all of her kids and grandkids together for one day. Just to see the smile that she so deserves to have on her beautiful face. I love you Mammy!!

Papa's Birthday

Well, tomorrow is my Grandfathers birthday. I miss him so much these days. Its crazy I just wish I could call him and say Happy Birthday Papa!! I am not sure how well I am going to deal with this years birthday. I want to make him a card and put it at his grave but the weather would ruin it. I am not sure what I am going to do but I am going to wish him a Happy Birthday tomorrow!!

I am extremely saddened by the tragedy that continues to show its ugly face around this counrty. Suicide in VERY young adults. A 9 year old boy killed himself due to bullying. Seriously, this HAS to stop. Parents NEED to get more involved in thier childerens schools. They need ot get more involved in stopping this insanity. Could you imagine at 9 years old even thinking about suicide nevermind attempting and actually committing suicide. This is insanity!!!!! Our youth is being affected everyday by bullies. Please STOP THE BULLYING!!!!!!!!!! It has got to stop. What is wrong with people these days?? We live in a free country that means you can be anybody you want to be. Noone at 9 years old should feel so awful about going to school that they actually succeed in taking thier own life. This really is an epidemic. Step in Teachers, get your heads out of your asses and see the children you are supposed to be protecting and PROTECT THEM!!!!!! Don't just sit idley by while our future leaders of this country are being harrassed to the point of suicide. What is wrong with teachers and parents these days????

I don't know about you but I think that teachers NEED to start being held responsible for actions taking place in their schools. They seriously need to have a meeting or something and deal with this. This is getting out of control. Could you imagine at 9 years old being bullied so badly that you just want to die, and actually attempt and succeed in that??
To all you parents out there, TALK TO YOUR KIDS!!!! find out if there is bullying going on in thier school. Find out who is doing it, get involved in your childrens lives otherwise you could be the next parent out there burying your child!!!!

Well to say the least I still feel stuck, its not a very good feeling. My Grandfathers birthday is comming up, I have a feeeling its going to be VERY hard this year. For some reason I have found myself grieving his loss all over again. Maybe its because I never really grieved his loss when he actually passed. Its very hard for me to celebrate his birthday and not call him and say "Happy Birthday Papa, I miss you". You see my Papa moved to California before he passed. That was VERY hard on me as well. Saying goodbye and watching them leave the house that he had built with his own two hands. The unfortunate part is he wasn't in California long and he had a heartattack. I will never forget the day I got that phone call. My mom flew out there to be with my grandmother. I got woken up by the phone and picked it up and said "hello", my mom was in tears. I immidiatly said "whats wrong Momma??" She proceeded to tell me that my grnadfather was on life support and probably not going to make it. At that time I went into a deep depression. Then on Februaury 10, 2005 I got the call I will never forget. My mom asked if I was sitting down. She also asked if my current girlfriend was there with me. I responded yes to the sitting down. I will never forget hearing these words out of my mothers mouth. "Papa has gone to heaven" she said. At that point I lost it!!! I began crying tears I thought for sure I would drowned in.
  
That was by far the biggest loss I have ever had. I colapsed in my trailer (at the time) and began screaming, "why did you let him go" ? You see it was my moms decision to take him off of life support. I am sure this was an extremely hard decision for her. I got very angry with my mom. Telling her she gave up on him, how could she give up on him?? Maybe he was in there somewhere.

My grandmother has been in the medical field as long as I can remember. She would not have let him go if she wasn't 100% sure. I know this now, but at the time all I could do was blame my mom. I remember asking my mom how and why she could kill my papa. She said "honey I didn't kill papa I just made it so he went to his place in heaven safely." But in my heart and soul I was convinced she had given up. That everyone had given up, what if they had waited one more day?? Would he have woken up???

Still to this day I do not know if he would have woken up. When I ask my grandmother she says "honey you know Papa would not have wanted to live like that, it was his time and one day it will be mine too." She also tole me if he had woken up at that point he would have been a vegetable. No way of speaking or moving or anything like that, my Papa would not have liked that AT ALL!! My grandmother knows how to read brain scans and she made sure they did one on Papa, according to the scan he was brain dead.

I sang a song for him with my little sister at his memorial service, My immortal, by Evanescence. I sang that song with my little sister. I still can't hear that song without crying. Because its exactly how I felt and still feel most of the time. I still to this day do not know how I got through this song at his service. I didn't crack or cry until the song was over. Once it was over my little sister and I grabbed eachother and held eachother and cried. My mom jumped up and started applauding. That led to more applause. It was sweet, my grandmother walked up to me a few moments after the service and she said that was a beautiful song. Thank you for that, he would have loved it. I told her the second I heard it I knew it was for him. 
 There are days when I swear I feel him right next to me. I swear I can hear his voice. I would give anything to hold him one more time to say I love you Papa one more time. To hear him say I love you too, to hear him say he is proud of me.

He was the only positive male figure in my life. He was such an amazing man. So please on October 17 say happy birthday to my Papa. He desreves it, fortunatly he was creamated so I carry his ashes everywhere with me. I just recently went to his grave. Its just a headstone with is name on it. But I hadn't gone in 4 years. I thought it was time. I went and there in my face was my grandfathers name and date of birth and date of death. That hurt BAD!! It was like I was living a dream, a very bad dream. The scarriest part was my grandmothers name was on the headstone as well. She is still alive. That scared the crap out of me. I called my grandmother and asked if she was okay. She said "of course honey why you ask". I said because your name is on Papa's headstone, it scared me I had to call and hear your voice. She said I know honey its hard to think that one day I will be right there next to him. She really has no idea how hard that is going to be on me. I greived and am still grieving my grandfather and its been 5 years. The only thing my grandmother asks of me if and when she does pass on is to take care of my mom. I made her a promise that I would do that.